do you want to go to the seaside?

do you want to go to the seaside?
i'm not trying to say that everybody wants to go
i fell in love at the seaside
i handled my charm with time and slight of hand


but I'm just trying to love you
any kind of way
but i find it hard to love you girl 
when you're far away
away


the lyrics above are from a kooks song that i've recently fallen in love with, it's called seaside. 


i should be studying for finals, but instead i'm writing this blog. 


i think it's strange how we grow. you're still the same person you were 6 months ago, but now, you've upgraded to a better version. you just keep building on top of what was already there, improving (hopefully) as time passes. i've come to realize that life isn't a straight line, a steady progression from one thing to the next, leaving what is behind, behind, and only moving forward. instead, it seems to be more of a web. i wouldn't even say circle. circle doesn't do life justice.


"web"
1. an intricate network suggesting something that was formed by weaving or interweaving
2. an intricate trap that entangles or ensnares its victim
3. membrane connecting the toes of some aquatic birds and mammals


okay, so i added #3 just for fun. 


the key word here, obviously, is intricate. from these definitions, i can assume your web could either go one of two ways: good or bad. sometimes, i think my web is like #1.


something that can be controlled (somewhat)
something beautifully woven


not to be dramatic, but i think we all know that sometimes our webs can seem a little more like #2. 


utterly suffocating and deadly. 


for now, i'll forget about #2.


but, #1, you are my friend. you are intriguing. mystical. ever changing. always growing. as i grow my web gets bigger and bigger, trapping experiences, knowledge, and people. once you're in my web, you're there forever. whether you're active or passive. you can't escape it. 


it's permanent. 


but wait, nothing is permanent. nothing is certain. nothing is forever. 


maybe the current version of oneself isn't permanent in my web, but what is permanent, is the memory. by memory, i mean, the person you were when you made your imprint on my life. i like to carry people with me through life. what's the point in letting go when i can keep you (or at least your memory) forever?


i like surprises. 


:]

So I'm a southern gal, with a double-name, living in the southwest

august 6th i packed my entire life into my two-door car. 

august 7th i climbed into that car and headed southwest.

august 8th i woke up in Dallas, TX.

august 9th i woke up in Sante Fe, NM.

august 10th i woke up in Tucson, AZ. 

...and every day after since, I have woken up in Tucson, AZ. 

to summarize it like that, doesn't make it seems too daunting. the worst part of the entire journey was saying good-bye to my friends and family on the morning of august 7th. i had the greatest luxury of having the people closest to me stay with me all night on august 6th, helping me pack, putting up with my crazy attitude, and just making me smile. i love you all. i miss you all. you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, no matter what point you came into my life, 12 years ago or 12 days ago. 

as of right now, i am sitting on my balcony, with carlos (our cactus), listening to iron & wine, as another monsoon dumps rain down over this dry land. there's incredible lightning and roaring thunder that goes along with these monsoons. the weather here is amazing, i have woken up to sunshine everyday, with the exception of one, the entire time i've lived here. most days, in the late afternoon, the clouds roll in, at least during monsoon season. if you ever get the chance to check out the southwest, do it. it's a completely different environment compared to the lush, green, rolling hills of the bluegrass state, but i love it. the mountains ranges that surround the city are beautiful morning, noon, and night. i feel like i will never get used to seeing them. every time i get in the car i feel the need to comment on their beauty. 

let's not forget about the sky. or the desert. or the ridiculously cute roadrunners. or the wild javelinas (of which i have not had the experience of spotting. yet.)

my life has changed so much in the last month, it's been a whirlwind of events. i met a really incredible guy, i moved across the country, i got new roommates, i started graduate school, i changed universities, but most of all, i left some really important people back at home. but i still want you all to know, i am really starting to feel at home here. i absolutely love my roommates, this has been the biggest blessing of all. i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't met them at the open house back in the spring. they've truly made settling in here a lot easier, and fun. it's nice to have people you can be ridiculous with constantly, but also have the same interests (since we're all doing audiology).  

i'm going to try to write more blogs on here.


basically this is a life update :) i miss you all! 


p.s. meet carlos...

speaking of things to do before i die...

lately i've been contemplating things i want to absolutely do before i die. i haven't yet come up with an entire list but atleast i have this one down.

this is a comprehensive list of 30 movies i haven't seen yet but would really love to indulge in very soon...
30. city of god
29. let the right one in
28. thank you for smoking
27. godfather
26. one flew over the cuckoo's nest
25. gone baby gone
24. princess mononoke
23. princess bride
22. pyscho
21. bukowski; born into this
20. jurassic park
19. fight club
18. saving private ryan
17. donnie darko
16. fear and loathing in las vegas
15. a clockwork orange
14. stand by me
13. trainspotting
12. man on wire
11. away we go
10. american beauty
9. true romance
8. vanilla sky
7. schindler's list
6. pulp fiction
5. magnolia
4. taxi driver
3. the shawshank redemption
2. big fish
1. casa blanca

and all at once, it made sense again

it's come to my attention, err more like realization, that being true to yourself is the greatest thing that you could ever do. sound cliche'? yes. sound cheesy? even more so. however, over the past month or so i've learned that the greatest conflict that could ever exist within oneself is to stray away from what is real and true and dive into an alternate reality where you don't really belong:

false:
I'm 21! let's get drunk! let's party! let's go out! get drunk! get drunk! get DRUNK! girl bonding, YEAH! BARS!

true:
i am indeed 21. i do, indeed, drink. however, i never was, and never will be the girl who goes to college bars 2+ times a week and gets smashed. i tried it, not for me. in addition, i'm not really the type of girl who enjoys girlie things...no i'm not a lesbian. no, i'm not a tomboy. i do like make-up and clothes, but what's "in" or "out" or trendy, never really has interested me. sorry if i'm not wearing the latest trends and my stuffed animal is a little square monster with scary teeth. i like him. i also like my best friend.

i've always felt a little more comfortable hanging out and talking to guys OR hanging out and talking to girls who ALSO are a little more comfortable hanging out and talking to guys. i can't explain it. its just...more simple.



for the first time i really think i can see my future forming. its a strange, strange feeling. everything is coming together and forming the bigger picture. maybe it was always there but i was just too scared to see it. either way, i like what i see. the next few months will create a more concrete picture of what the next 4 years will look like.

until then, the anxiety and stress surrounding school, work, GRE, graduate school, and basically life in general, will most likely continue to consume me.

thank god for three day weekends.

Survival

so i decided that it has been too long since my last posting. in a contemplative mood, i decided to curiously click on my blog and before i knew it, i was (errr, am) furiously typing away. This summer has been the least relaxing summer i've ever had, thanks higher education! you make my day! however, i know that it will be well worth it as may rolls around and i'm actually graduation on time. i just need to survive the next 3 weeks. it's all down hill from there.

in addition to surviving school, at this moment, this very moment, i feel a sense of peace. coming out of a wonderful weekend spent parading around manchester, tn, sleeping under the naked sky, and dancing DANCING to each band i could get to, bonnaroo was nothing but amazing.

wide-eyed, for the first time in a while

the crunch

charles bukowski

too much

too little

too fat

too thin

or nobody.

laughter or

tears

haters

lovers

strangers with faces like

the backs of

thumb tacks

armies running through

streets of blood

waving winebottles

bayoneting and fucking

virgins.

or an old guy in a cheap room

with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock.

people so tired

mutilated

either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other

one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich

the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us

that we can all be

big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us

about he gutters

or the suicides.

or the terror of one person

aching in one place

alone

untouched

unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.

people are not good to each other.

people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.

I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about

it.

the beads will swing

the clouds will cloud

and the killer will behead the child

like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much

too little

too fat

too thin

or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.

perhaps if they were

our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls

stems

flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way we have not yet

thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries

it demands

it says that there is a chance.

it will not say

"no."

and breathe...

:]

sometimes you just need to take a step back and take a break from life to realize how great yours actually is. 

i want you, all of you, to know me deeply.

we all have faults. imperfections.

we all have triumphs and feats. 

i never give up, on anything. i never have. i never will. 

you're no better than me, as i'm no better than you. 

equilibrium.

the key.