the only steps that matter...the road to recovery.

Let's start this blog with a deep breath. Yeah, you, I'm talking to you too, take a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. Now let's begin, this one is a doozy...

For those of you who are close to me, you know the struggles that I've been through over the past 6-8 weeks. For those of you that I so dearly appreciate and miss deeply but haven't had the opportunity to catch up on things in a while, this will get you up to speed!

Long story short, I quit the Ph.D. program before I even began. 

Now I'll answer the burning question in your mind: WHY?

About 2-months ago, I began to consider my motives for doing it in the first place. I internalized these thoughts and on the outside kept a happy face about it all. I was sure the feelings would go away. About 5-weeks ago I was at dinner with people I didn't know at all. This is always a difficult situation for me because I have to try to explain what I'm doing with my life. It went something like this...

"I'm in the process of completing a clinical doctorate degree (the Au.D.) but also pursuing a Ph.D."
"You're going to be in school forever"
"I know, but once I'm done with the Au.D. if I decide I don't want to continue onto finish the Ph.D. I can"

In my mind, saying this out loud to a perfect stranger was the first step toward accepting that I didn't want to continue on for a Ph.D. BUT, I had convinced myself that it was true. No harm, no foul, just do both the Au.D. and Ph.D. for a year and see how it goes until I can graduate with my Au.D...

This bargaining worked for a while until a clinical audiologist (whom I really admire and respect) directly asked me what I wanted out of completing the Ph.D. program....

...silence...I had no answer.

"so in the end you want to be on the tenure track and do research and teach, right?"

My response to this was instant and immediate: "Absolutely not! I want to see patients!"
I finally had spoken out loud about something that had been bubbling under the surface.

Here's a little back story: about six years ago, I decided I wanted to be an audiologist because I wanted to help people. I wanted to help enable people to improve their quality of life by guiding them toward better and easier communication by improving their ability to hear. I have always felt strongly that hearing is what keeps up in contact with those around us, and for those who lose their hearing later in life, there are devastating effects: isolation, withdrawal, depression, irritability...the list goes on and on. I wanted to help people with hearing loss and still have time at the end of the day for my family and friends. That was the goal I had for my life and somewhere along the way I lost sight of it. I got caught up in the ego stroking that goes along with having or pursuing a Ph.D. I often would think things like:

"They're not trying to convince just anyone and everyone to do a Ph.D., so I must be special, right?"
"I have the ability to do the work involved in getting a Ph.D., so I HAVE TO do it"

I felt like I HAD to do it because I had a skills set for research that not everyone has. I felt like I would be bored living the life of a regular clinical audiologist. I felt like I HAD to do more and more.  I had been convinced and convinced myself that these things were all true. But eventually those feelings wore off (they were superficial, at best) and I just knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I didn't feel good about it. I didn't feel right. I didn't feel happy. 

The only time I felt happy was when I was seeing patients directly. Helping people directly.

This brings us to about 1-month ago, when I finally told my advisers that I didn't want to pursue the Ph.D. I was continually told I had to think about it more. That I didn't know what it would be like to be a full-time audiologist (despite many full-time and half-time clinical rotations I've completed over the last 3 years, despite having a dad who owns a private practice that I've worked at for years...) and that I would regret it if I quit.

Trying to be respectful of their advice, after all they've been wonderful mentors over the last few years, I decided to give it some time.

Three-weeks went by and I still felt the same. I didn't want to continue. I wanted and needed to be done. This was (and still is) a very difficult time. I felt on edge, like I was disappointing everyone, like I was rebelling against what I was told I SHOULD be doing with my life. I still struggle with these feelings today, even though I know I made the right decision. Nothing makes me happier than thinking about being a clinical audiologist and helping people everyday.

Finally, about a week ago, when confronted about my decision via email by my adviser, I let them know my decision had been made. I simply couldn't drag it out anymore. I had already cried too much over it and I wanted to have the control over my life and the decisions I make for my life.  I am the only one who knows what is best for me, no one else. This was a lesson learned the hard way.

I finally reached my limits. I knew what I wanted and I was done, so I officially let the department know that I would not be pursuing a Ph.D. in the fall and only would be pursuing completion of my Au.D. through a full time externship position.

The repercussions of this decisions have been horrific and quite honestly devastating. Relationships have shattered. I am just trying to hold on right now. I'm taking it day-by-day and doing the best I can with each moment I am given. I'm trying to focus on enjoying life and regaining my quality of life. More importantly, I'm working on regaining my sense of self, which undoubtedly has suffered over the last few months.

I'm on the road to recovery and that's all I can say.

P.S. Now would be a great time to mention that Brandon bought a house for us and we're moving in together!! Painters just finished yesterday and they're working on re-doing our master bathroom as I type. It is a beautiful 3-bedroom, 2-bath house with vaulted ceilings, an adorable backyard, and neighborhood pool/spa. It's amazing and I feel so lucky! I am so thankful I've had him over these past few months. The support he's given me has been astounding and I couldn't ask for more. He just constantly tells me to "do what makes you happy". Such simple advice, but so true.

"He survived to tell the tale"-- that's what people say, don't they?

So, I have this yearning for fall. Fall is my most favorite season. Unfortunately for me,fall doesn't hit Tucson until November or later. For now, things just don't feel right. It's October but it's still 95 degrees most days. 

But, this isn't what I want to say in this blog. This isn't the topic. This isn't really even anything that's on my mind at all. Just some word vomit about some surface level observations. Word Vomit. I keep using this phrase in conversation lately. 

This leads us to the obvious question: 

"What is on my mind?"

Too much. 

I'm going to spare you the complaining. Just know that there is way too much going on this semester. For the first time I'm having a hard time separating school from my personal life, school from my personal time, and most importantly, school from my PERSONAL emotions. It's all intertwined and my mind is ultimately consumed 99% of the time with audiology. At this point, I don't really have a choice. It's just something I'm going to have to deal with temporarily. 

Maybe it's just that I finally recognize that this is it. This is life.

I once heard that most people are unhappy because they view the present as worse than it is, the past as better than it was, and the future as more unresolved than it will be. I'm not saying I'm particularly unhappy, I just don't have a lot of time to do the things I love. I need a creative explosion every now and then. My life right now is just not lending itself to such things. I suppose what I once heard is true. Especially now. 

Presently, I feel like I'm just existing each day, doing the things I have to do, just to get to the next day, repeat. repeat. repeat. Then suddenly, 6 weeks are gone. 

As for the past, I have very fond memories of my past. However, I don't tend to think of them as better than they were. I am actually pretty realistic about how things were. I remember the good and the bad. 

As for the future, I definitely am guilty of thinking of it as being more unresolved than it will be. The future is so important and something I think about all the time. The future is where I will spend the rest of my life. Right now, nothing seems solidified. Nothing belongs to me. I don't know anything for sure and that really bothers me. I like to prepare for the future and right now, I can't do that. 

Oh well. If anything, at least at the end of the day I'm being honest with myself. The nostalgia of the past, the terrible feelings of the present, and my favorite stressor-- the future. The future will come, and it will go, the label I give it will change but what I actually experience will remain the same.  

Strange.

30 before 30

I should be studying, but it's Thursday night and I don't really want to, I'm already on weekend mode even though I have a big day tomorrow. Oh well.

Morgan recently brought to my attention this idea of "30 before 30." The name says it all, but basically it's a bucket list of 30 things to do before I turn 30 years old. Considering I still have a solid 6 years to accomplish these things, I think it's pretty feasible. Here it is, in it's full glory, no particular order:

"30 before 30"
30. visit san francisco
29. run a half marathon
28. see redwoods
27. explore europe
26. go wine tasting
25. go skydiving
24. own a house
23. invest in the stock market
22. successfully make a rainbow cake
21. crochet a blanket
20. own a new kitchen aid stand mixer
19. drive a VW bus
18. release a Kongming lantern
17. go to Las Vegas
16. take pictures in an old photobooth
15. jump off a waterfall
14. drink a bloody mary
13. visit a rainforest
12. complete the bourbon trail (completed thus far: Maker's Mark, Four Roses, Buffalo Trace, and Woodford Reserve)
11. make a souffle
10. spontaneously buy a plane ticket
9. pick a cookbook and make everything in it
8. extremely over tip a server
7. have a full-time job that I love
6. visit all 50 states
5. take my mom on vacation
4. go on a trip and ditch my phone the entire time
3. go barefoot an entire day
2. adopt a dog
1. graduate and become Dr. Mary Rose Durkin, Au.D.

time is not created equal

Salvador Dali, The Persistence of Memory

Lately I've been thinking about the concept of time. Time doesn't pass equally in all situations. Five-minutes in class, during a riveting lecture, can seem to last twice as long. The five-minutes between when your alarm goes off the first time and the second time (thank god for snooze buttons), can seem like 30-seconds. That being said, last semester lasted a year, while this semester seems to be floating by quite quickly. I attribute this, mostly, to the increased amount of sleep and decreased amount of stress that I'm experiencing this time around. Either way, it further justifies my point: all time is not created equal. I'm perfectly fine with this semester flying by, I'm already ready for it to be over. How horrible is that? I'm just finding myself increasingly sick of still being in school. A doctorate will be worth it, right?

Another theme I have going this semester is: be okay with where you are, even if you know you want a change. I haven't been so great at sticking to this because lately I've found myself constantly searching externships, with a variety of locations. Honestly, if I were to pin the sites on a map, it would look like the spray of bullets from a sawed-off shot gun, firing eastward. I have some favorite cities in mind, but I won't be revealing those, just yet. I seem to be torn between two scenarios: 1) going on yet another adventure, as I did when i uprooted for AZ. To be blatantly honest, that just sounds exhausting, especially since the externship only lasts a year. 2) Heading back to an area of comfort, e.g. within 1-3 hours of home. To be blatantly honest again, that seems like a cop-out but it also sounds extremely relaxing and perhaps, effortless? I'm going to apply to externships that satisfy both scenarios and see which one takes the bait.

I'm starting to miss everyone from home quite a bit. But hey, only a few more months and I will have the option of coming home for the summer. I need to figure out what my summer is going to look like, the only thing I know for certain is that I will be home July and August until school starts.

Also, I can't decide what to do for my spring break, as I have suddenly found it wide-open. First-world problems.

ephemeral

"I somehow see what's beautiful in things that are ephemeral."

This sentence is loaded. So many ideas go rushing around in my mind when you consider the term "ephemeral." Ephemeral is defined as something that is "lasting a short time" synonyms for ephemeral are "transitory, short-lived, and even, momentary."

A google search led me to an artist, Jon Totel, whom aims to capture ephemeral moments, that would otherwise go unnoticed. What would ordinarily be a mundane daily activity, he makes art. This really got me thinking about life. More specifically the idea that if we could view our life as if it were a painting on a wall. (Bowl of Oranges, Bright Eyes) Would we see the beauty? Would your life reflect beauty, even in an ephemeral moment?

It doesn't take much to change your life. Realistically, your life is built on a few important ephemeral moments. As easy as these moments come, they are just as easily forgotten.

Another synonym of this word that I find interesting is "transitory". My life is (and has been) suspended in a stage of transition, but I don't find it any less beautiful. Some days, it's difficult to know that this is all temporary, but at the same time, it's comforting to know that there's an expiration date. I will be able to look back on this stage of my life and recognize how wonderfully ephemeral everything was. But, what isn't temporary is how this experience has molded me. Just because something is of short duration, doen't mean it's impact isn't lasting. It also doesn't make it any less beautiful. Sometimes, the story has been told and that's all there is to it.

I hope we can look at our lives and recognize the beauty in things that are ephemeral.

So I'll leave you with this, one of my professors said something along these lines this morning in class: 

Life is about change, and those who can best adapt to change will succeed. 

and now is right on time

i'm not going to state the obvious. we all know that if life had a rewind button, we would use and abuse it. there are days where i wish i could just use the rewind button, hell, there are months that i wish i could rewind. however, the older i get i'm learning that there is a reason we don't have the luxury of such a button. 

despite the surface level desire to often rewind, on a deeper level, i wouldn't change a thing. why? because i'm discovering wonderful things about myself with each passing day. recently, i realized that i like when i can physically feel my smile rubbing off on someone else. it ignites the most joyful feeling in my chest, which only causes my smile to widen. happiness is addictive. smiling is contagious. 

on the flip side, i'm also discovering some not-quite-so wonderful things about myself. recently, i realized that i'm terrible at verbally communicating my feelings. the intriguing yet quirky mysteriousness that goes along with this trait eventually wears off. all that is left are feelings of uncertainty. 

but, i can always put it in writing. my written thoughts are always organized, comprehensible, and complete. my spoken feelings are often incomplete and messy.

we all have some work to do on ourselves. 

i'm on this journey through life and i'm continually growing. what more can i say? the bottom line is this: 

your journey has molded you 

for your greater good, 

and it was exactly what it needed to be.

don't think that you've lost time. 

it took each and every 

situation that you have encountered

to bring you to the now, 

and now is right on time.

-a. tyson

there is no time but right now.

livin' in the sprawl

sometimes i wonder if the world's so small

that we can never get away from the sprawl

livin' in the sprawl 

dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains

and there's no end in sight

i need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

-sprawl II, arcade fire 

it seems appropriate to blog about this song because over the past few months, i've listened to it at least once a day. if you haven't heard it, then you should discontinue reading this blog and immediately find it on youtube. i would provide the link,  but let's get real, you're capable.

it's been so long since i've casually written, much less blogged, that almost forgot that i like typing in all lowercase. it's just much more visually pleasing. 

since i last blogged (in december? eek!) so much has changed. i can't believe it's been ten full months since my last entry. that is completely unacceptable. 

i've learned to appreciate my roots.

i've learned to readily accept the differences in people.

i've learned to not make things harder than they have to be. 

i've learned that i want to live in a temperate climate.

i've learned to be patient. 

i've learned to recognize and appreciate contentedness. 

i've learned what it means to miss someone.

contentedness in the daily mundane is quite possibly one of the hardest things to achieve. we all know that happiness is  fleeting, but contentedness, in it's truest form, is static.  if you reach a point in your life where you feel content with something, hold onto it. don't get me wrong- happiness is important, but without the underlying support of contentedness, happiness just don't seem to mean much. 

after spending the better part of the summer at home in kentucky, when i returned to tucson i wasn't very content. i actually very, very far from it. i felt like my life was in kentucky, because that's where the important people in my life are, but my future was in tucson. i don't mean that i'm going to stay in tucson for the rest of my life, but merely that my future relies on me staying here for the next 1.5 years. i felt stuck in a sprawling mess of a city that was entirely too hot with too much disparity.  

i finally realized that whether i like it or not, i'm stuck here. 

i have no choice. 

i'm here to learn. 

i'm here so i can spend the rest of my life doing what i'm passionate about. 

it took a couple of months for this to fully sink in. i can't waste the next 1.5 years of my life wishing i were elsewhere. i need to soak it up, regardless of how miserable school can be sometimes. now, i know this sounds like a homesick rant about how i can't wait to graduate and return to the bluegrass. that's not the case at all. i probably won't immediately move back to lexington for an externship. i just know that tucson isn't the perfect fit for me, and that's perfectly alright. the university of arizona is a wonderful fit, and that's ultimately why i'm here. 

it's all about the people in your journey.

make an effort to cut the lights and clear your mind.