the only steps that matter...the road to recovery.

Let's start this blog with a deep breath. Yeah, you, I'm talking to you too, take a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. Now let's begin, this one is a doozy...

For those of you who are close to me, you know the struggles that I've been through over the past 6-8 weeks. For those of you that I so dearly appreciate and miss deeply but haven't had the opportunity to catch up on things in a while, this will get you up to speed!

Long story short, I quit the Ph.D. program before I even began. 

Now I'll answer the burning question in your mind: WHY?

About 2-months ago, I began to consider my motives for doing it in the first place. I internalized these thoughts and on the outside kept a happy face about it all. I was sure the feelings would go away. About 5-weeks ago I was at dinner with people I didn't know at all. This is always a difficult situation for me because I have to try to explain what I'm doing with my life. It went something like this...

"I'm in the process of completing a clinical doctorate degree (the Au.D.) but also pursuing a Ph.D."
"You're going to be in school forever"
"I know, but once I'm done with the Au.D. if I decide I don't want to continue onto finish the Ph.D. I can"

In my mind, saying this out loud to a perfect stranger was the first step toward accepting that I didn't want to continue on for a Ph.D. BUT, I had convinced myself that it was true. No harm, no foul, just do both the Au.D. and Ph.D. for a year and see how it goes until I can graduate with my Au.D...

This bargaining worked for a while until a clinical audiologist (whom I really admire and respect) directly asked me what I wanted out of completing the Ph.D. program....

...silence...I had no answer.

"so in the end you want to be on the tenure track and do research and teach, right?"

My response to this was instant and immediate: "Absolutely not! I want to see patients!"
I finally had spoken out loud about something that had been bubbling under the surface.

Here's a little back story: about six years ago, I decided I wanted to be an audiologist because I wanted to help people. I wanted to help enable people to improve their quality of life by guiding them toward better and easier communication by improving their ability to hear. I have always felt strongly that hearing is what keeps up in contact with those around us, and for those who lose their hearing later in life, there are devastating effects: isolation, withdrawal, depression, irritability...the list goes on and on. I wanted to help people with hearing loss and still have time at the end of the day for my family and friends. That was the goal I had for my life and somewhere along the way I lost sight of it. I got caught up in the ego stroking that goes along with having or pursuing a Ph.D. I often would think things like:

"They're not trying to convince just anyone and everyone to do a Ph.D., so I must be special, right?"
"I have the ability to do the work involved in getting a Ph.D., so I HAVE TO do it"

I felt like I HAD to do it because I had a skills set for research that not everyone has. I felt like I would be bored living the life of a regular clinical audiologist. I felt like I HAD to do more and more.  I had been convinced and convinced myself that these things were all true. But eventually those feelings wore off (they were superficial, at best) and I just knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I didn't feel good about it. I didn't feel right. I didn't feel happy. 

The only time I felt happy was when I was seeing patients directly. Helping people directly.

This brings us to about 1-month ago, when I finally told my advisers that I didn't want to pursue the Ph.D. I was continually told I had to think about it more. That I didn't know what it would be like to be a full-time audiologist (despite many full-time and half-time clinical rotations I've completed over the last 3 years, despite having a dad who owns a private practice that I've worked at for years...) and that I would regret it if I quit.

Trying to be respectful of their advice, after all they've been wonderful mentors over the last few years, I decided to give it some time.

Three-weeks went by and I still felt the same. I didn't want to continue. I wanted and needed to be done. This was (and still is) a very difficult time. I felt on edge, like I was disappointing everyone, like I was rebelling against what I was told I SHOULD be doing with my life. I still struggle with these feelings today, even though I know I made the right decision. Nothing makes me happier than thinking about being a clinical audiologist and helping people everyday.

Finally, about a week ago, when confronted about my decision via email by my adviser, I let them know my decision had been made. I simply couldn't drag it out anymore. I had already cried too much over it and I wanted to have the control over my life and the decisions I make for my life.  I am the only one who knows what is best for me, no one else. This was a lesson learned the hard way.

I finally reached my limits. I knew what I wanted and I was done, so I officially let the department know that I would not be pursuing a Ph.D. in the fall and only would be pursuing completion of my Au.D. through a full time externship position.

The repercussions of this decisions have been horrific and quite honestly devastating. Relationships have shattered. I am just trying to hold on right now. I'm taking it day-by-day and doing the best I can with each moment I am given. I'm trying to focus on enjoying life and regaining my quality of life. More importantly, I'm working on regaining my sense of self, which undoubtedly has suffered over the last few months.

I'm on the road to recovery and that's all I can say.

P.S. Now would be a great time to mention that Brandon bought a house for us and we're moving in together!! Painters just finished yesterday and they're working on re-doing our master bathroom as I type. It is a beautiful 3-bedroom, 2-bath house with vaulted ceilings, an adorable backyard, and neighborhood pool/spa. It's amazing and I feel so lucky! I am so thankful I've had him over these past few months. The support he's given me has been astounding and I couldn't ask for more. He just constantly tells me to "do what makes you happy". Such simple advice, but so true.